A Step into Eternity

On the morning of June 10th, I awoke early, about 5:00, to go to the bathroom. As I climbed back in bed to go back to sleep, I noticed with a start that little Clara was not moving. Usually getting up and moving like that would cause her to kick and move. I started to worry a little and could not go back to sleep. I started thinking and couldn't remember any movements the day before, except in the morning with Michael. I had been really busy running around the day before and had been gone late at a church meeting. I had fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and had just not noticed her not moving.

I got up and went to have a snack and lie on the couch. She still was not moving and I just about called Lindy, but I really thought that I was just being paranoid. Our prenatal was scheduled for 10:30 that morning and I just knew that I would feel so much better after hearing her heartbeat. I still find it so hard to believe that I just went about my morning and all my normal routines and the whole time Clara was already gone. I do remember feeling antsy and in a bit of a fog. But the denial that there could be anything wrong was so strong.

When I got to the office I was so anxious to hear her heartbeat as I just knew then I could relax and quit worrying. Then I would know that everything was okay. I didn't even say anything to Lindy. I felt silly; after all this was my fifth baby, why was I so worried? When she stepped out to take a phone call I couldn't even sit still and I paced around the room. I wanted to scream "We need to listen to my baby!" But I didn't; I just told myself to quit worrying. When Lindy came back in, I laid down and got ready to hear the little patter of a healthy baby. Lindy did not get the heartbeat at the first spot she tried, but then put more gel on my tummy and started moving around listening carefully. I remember thinking, I hope she hasn't' moved into a bad position and that's why she can't hear her yet. It wasn't until she calmly asked me when was the last time I had felt her move that I began to understand what I was really facing.

I tearfully began to tell her about my experience that morning and I how I couldn't really remember anything after early Wednesday morning. She listened for awhile and then left to go get another midwife, Kaye, who was in another room with her lady. When Kaye came in she also listened(or tried to) with another doppler, but it soon became obvious that my baby had passed away.

How do I begin to explain the shock; the pain; the denial? Or the questions; the wondering; the guilt? The fear of what was ahead? The loneliness of laying on that bed and trying to figure out what to do next?

Kaye and Lindy began to make phone calls for me. They asked me for numbers and somehow I remembered them. They first tried to reach Bill. They called a radiology place so I could have an ultrasound to confirm what we already knew. Bill had forgotten his cell phone at home and it was several hours until they were able to track him down. They called my next door neighbor, Paula to come and get the other children. I wonder now what they were thinking. I don't think we really told them anything. I remember one of them asking me what was wrong and just shaking my head. How could I speak the words that I didn't even understand yet?

Lindy asked me if I wanted to wait for Bill before going for the ultrasound. I couldn't though and we left right away. As we were leaving the office, my good friend, Kim, stopped by to see Kaye. We were both due with little girls, just days apart. I was sobbing and told her that they couldn't find my babies heartbeat. She held me as I cried and then helped me walk to Lindy's car. She rode with us the short distance to the ultrasound and sat with me as I waited. While we were still in the waiting room, my neighbor came in. She had had her sister come for the kids as she felt she needed to come be with me. I am so thankful that if I couldn't have Bill with me,at least I had these strong and caring women to hold me up(both literally and figuratively).

The ultrasound confirmed what we already knew. My sweet baby girl had passed on to her Father in Heaven while still in my womb. While the tech was doing the ultrasound, the screen was turned away from me and I was staring at the wall. How different from a normal pregnancy ultrasound when you watch the screen in anticipation! When she left for a moment, I turned the screen towards me, wanting to see my baby. The screen was blank, but Lindy knew exactly what I wanted and picked up the wand and got a little profile of Clara's face. She was so still and motionless. I looked away.

I am so grateful that no one ever said the horrible words to me. It was just obvious that there was no heartbeat; no movement. The most Lindy said during the ultrasound was that it didn't look good. I knew what that meant, even if I couldn't really believe it yet. It was a blessing not to actually hear the words aloud.

I asked Kim to call my parents. I didn't know how I could say the words. I didn't even want to hear them and asked her to leave the room. I still feel bad that I asked her to do this very difficult task, but all I could think was how far away they were and how long it would take them to get here. Kim was strong for me then and many, many times in the coming days, weeks and years.


We went back to Lindy's office where some men from my church were already waiting to give me a blessing. The Spirit of the Lord was strong in the room and I am thankful for the Priesthood and the comfort that it brings to our lives. After the blessing I just wanted to lie down and Kim and Paula asked if I wanted to be alone. I didn't and they stayed with me until Bill finally was reached and he got there. Lindy had told him on the phone what had happened and so when he got there he just held me and we cried. I kept telling him that I wanted to wake up, that I didn't want this to be real.