Home is Where We Wanted to Be

Kim and Paula left after Bill got there. I learned later that they were cleaning my house and helping to care for my children. After Bill and I had been alone for awhile, Lindy and Kaye came back in. I remember asking "What now?" As knew that I still had to go through labor, I told them that I wanted to go to the hospital to be numbed up and not have to feel anything, as if that would somehow make it easier. Bill was just relieved that I wouldn't have to have a C-section as that was his first thought. He didn't realize that a normal birth would be possible and preferable in this situation. Lindy and Kaye talked to us and asked us to please trust them that we would have a better experience and handle this better if we were to stay home and deliver our little still baby there. They had had a few experiences such as this in their many years of catching babies and Kaye herself had lost one of her twins before labor. I couldn't imagine going through labor, knowing, but as they spoke to us and told us of their experiences, we realized that this was what we wanted to do. I was so afraid of what was coming. But in the end, I am so, so grateful that my midwives encouraged us to stay home. It made such a difference and what was a painful time was also a very spiritual time.

When we left there I was having some contractions, but I willed them to stop. I kept saying, I just can't do this yet. I knew my parents were on their way and I just wanted to have everything in place and to feel ready for it.

When we got home, we had to tell the children what had happened. They had some idea, of course, that something was wrong and they immediately asked me if the baby was okay. I told them no, that she had died. They were so sad and hugged me and asked questions. Michael especially was surprised that this could happen, he said he didn't realise babies could die before they were even born. Bill encouraged them to be gentle with me and to give me lots of hugs. Over the course of the next several days, they did just that. They would play for a while and then come in and hug me and cuddle with me and then they would leave again. Kids are so resilient and they were and are such a comfort to me.


By this time, the family had all been notified and were making arrangements to come. My sister, Melodie, who worked as a labor and delivery nurse for many years and now teaches nursing, got on a plane right away and was here late Thursday night. My parents got here on Friday morning and Bill's mom got here on Friday evening.

Sleep was impossible, eating was too. I'm still not sure how I survived those days and nights until I delivered her. I felt full, as I was still pregnant and yet empty as there really was no baby waiting to be born. I was acutely aware at how still my womb was. I was offered Benadryl by well meaning people who wanted to ease my suffering. But I refused to take anything. I didn't know when the birth was going to occur and I did not want to risk being drugged or sleepy when it did. I knew that this birth was all I got, for now, with this child. When all was said and done, I would only have the memories of my pregnancy, labor and my birth to hold onto as evidence that this little girl had graced my life. I wanted to be completely alert and aware and not miss anything.

I was puttering around in labor a bit. I had willed the contractions on Thursday to stop, as I knew that I needed more support around me. I really wanted my mom and mother-in-law to be there and now my sister was coming as well. I needed this time to prepare emotionally. We started some herbs on Friday and I went on several walks. I remember that being surreal. I remember thinking that if anyone saw me out walking,with that big round belly, they would have no idea of the immense pain I was in and that my baby was gone.

At some point on Friday, I pulled out a sweet little pink dress that I had sewn for Clara, but that wasn't quite done. I finished it and she was dressed in it later for her trip to Idaho at which point I changed her so I could save the dress.

By Friday evening I hadn't made much progress, despite some good contractions, so we decided to wait until early Saturday morning to start some more herbs.

This was a difficult decision to make as it was so hard to remain pregnant, knowing my baby had died. However, upon reflection now, it was a blessing that it took as long as it did. We were able to gather our support around us. We were able to prepare the kids. We were able to come to terms with it and accept it as best we could before the actual delivery. We had the presence of mind to gather mementos and have someone there to take lots of pictures. We were prepared for what Clara would look like and what to expect during the delivery. Although those days and nights were hard to live through, I do not regret the decisions that we made.