Sunday, June 14, 2009

Five years...

It has been five years since my little Clara was born still. It is hard to believe it has been so long, and yet it feels like forever since I held her, kissed her and said goodbye. Her birthday was Friday and I sent out an email to many friends and family containing a video slide show that I made. It includes pictures from her birth and funeral. I had so many positive responses, I am overwhelmed. It was really special to get to share her with so many people. It sounds strange, but I am glad even that others cry for her and that for a day, I was not the only one.

I sometimes wonder how deeply I will feel this pain in 10 or 20 years. Now, 5 years later, the pain doesn't come often. I am busy with family, church and midwifery. So many days and weeks go with only brief moments of sadness. And then, sometimes out of no where and sometime due to another's fresh loss, the pain comes back as sharp as before. It is an overwhelming pain that makes it hard to breathe, impossible to concentrate and difficult to sleep. I know it is not as bad as those numbing first weeks and months, but it is still intense.

At time my empty(yet so full) arms ache for the baby I can't hold right now. I look at my dear sweet Annie, who came just 13 months after Clara, and wonder how different things would be if Clara hadn't died. Would we have Annie? Would she have come later? Would I have had two little girls to love and raise together? And yet, deep down I know that it was not in Clara's plan to stay on this earth with us and it was in Annie's plan to come after to mend our broken hearts.

I remember back to when I was early pregnant with Clara and Bill had suggested her name to me. It was not one we had ever considerd before, but I immediatly knew it was to be her name and I loved it. I had always had the name Annie in mind for our next girl and one night when I was up in the middle of the night with Stephen I had a strong immpression that both Clara and Annie were coming. I thought we were having twin girls and when the ultrasound showed diferently I was disapointed and confused. But after Clara died and we were pregnant again, I knew in my heart that it was little Annie that was coming this time. That her and Clara were not twins, but were connected still.

And now, five years later as I mourn for Clara and rejoice with my family that we have Annie and also now Porter, I can see that we have not been left alone. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and takes care of us during our darkest pain. While having these babies did not erase the pain, nor did it remove the longing for the daughter who is not with us now, it does help to fill our empty arms and soothe our aching hearts.

1 comment:

  1. hi rebecca,

    i just read the story of your clara and i'm so sorry. clara is a beautiful name and i'm sad for you that you don't have her living as a 5 year old today. (((hugs)))

    reading blogs of other moms like you and me has been really helpful to me in this early grieving process. thank you for your loving comments on my blog.

    hugs,
    christie

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